When to Tell Your New Partner Your’re Bipolar

Now that I am feeling better, I thought I’d try online dating.

It’s a weird and wonderful world out there online, and yes you could try it, but be warned – it’s really addictive.

Anyway, I started chatting with someone really interesting online, and soon enough we were at the stage of “Let’s meet for a coffee.”

Now I have a picture of myself online and I wanted to see one of the person I was planning to meet. My words exactly for wanting a picture before meeting were :

Seeing someone for the first time at a meeting spot almost guarantees it won’t work. You have to reconcile the person in front of you with the picture created in your head from the words you have been exchanging. It takes a bit of time and at a first meeting it just doesn’t happen.

So I got a pic. And we met. And we struck it off really well and the conversation was going swimmingly and, yes, the sparks were there.

Until I mentioned that I write for a website. “It’s a website for manic depressive persons,” said I, blithely.

And then the discussion turned to my being manic depressive. Which I think I handled pretty well. And not too long after that the rest of the evening ended very nicely. Not a bad first contact, I thought.

That is, until I got the e-mail later that night saying they weren’t sure if they could handle a manic depressive person. Very nice, all apologies, very gracious. But nevertheless…

Was I disappointed? – Yes, because I really was attracted.

Upset with the person? – No, because they always have the right / privilege to say no thanks. That’s the whole point of dating.

My real issue is how to navigate the dating waters such that I don’t scare away prospective partners, but at the same time be responsible enough to let them know that I do have mood swings. This matters particularly if you rapid cycle like I do, and the mood changes can happen just a few days down the line.

Well obviously, telling someone on the first date is a bad idea. Stop rolling your eyes – I can be really clueless.

I think what I did was exactly what I tried to avoid by sharing pictures at first. I introduced a new variable / idea / concept that was completely at odds with who I was as a person. I was being charming, witty, personable. A nice guy.  To an average person, none of this is compatible with being manic depressive or mentally ill.

I think the discrepancy was the cause of the problems, like a stick in the gears churning out an opinion of me. Everything stopped moving forward after that.

I had forgotten this was possible because being bipolar is now so entwined in my life that it’s almost as irrelevant as my being a guy. It’s there and it clearly affects my decisions, but so what. I’d forgotten that other people might see it as a negative thing, or a problem, or a scary thing.

So now I know. Again.

Which comes back to the issue – When is a good time to tell someone you are bipolar? The second date? After two weeks? Two months? After you have had the first depression episode and confused the heck out of your partner?

I’m thinking that the compromise time could be about 2-3 weeks into the courting. That’s probably long enough for someone to feel that they know you, so they don’t have this “who the hell have I been talking with up to now” disconnect.

In case you think telling someone will turn them off, know that the topic I get asked most about is “how can I help my partner who has mood swings.” You aren’t likely to be snubbed. I think what I did wrong wasn’t in mentioning being bipolar – it was just the timing.

And I also think that you must tell the person you are dating about your mood swings before your next predicted depression episode. I cannot think of anything meaner to do to a person than to leave them wondering why a relationship has just gone downhill for no reason whatsoever.

UPDATE: 21 Jul 09. Got an e-mail this morning from the person asking if we can meet to see what happens next. Pardon me while I do my Snoopy dance.

There’s Nothing New on My Website!!

That’s because I’m trying to put together a piece on how to stay stable. It’s a whopping big piece. And I only managed to get some writing done today, after having writer’s block for the last two weeks. On the other hand, it might well be the most useful piece that I will have written. If I can get it finished enough to post to the website.

I’m hoping to post something, anything, by Tuesday 14 July 09. With luck a bit sooner. Stay tuned.

Going Social

One of the problems in trying to keep a Bipolar Blog going is that at some point I feel better. Then I go out and do stuff. You know, be normal.

Of course, in the wide range of things that are normal activities, writing a blog about being mentally ill isn’t among them. So it kinda gets left behind as I  go meet with friends, or see a movie, or trim my dogs.

It’s not that I’ve forgotten about being bipolar, it’s just…nice…to do normal stuff without having to continuously fight my mood swings.

So nowadays, if I am not on the blog – I might be depressed. Or I might be normal. You’ll know when I come back.

Schedule Triage

Ok. After posting yesterday, the way went downhill. The exercise regimen didn’t start up. Ate junk food for dinner. BUT the dogs were carried for a walk, so I was able to salvage some parts of my schedule.

The good thing about having a fixed schedule is that when things start to fall apart, it becomes possible to perform triage (I always wanted to use this word). I was able to look at my schedule and decide what was going to be saved and what was just not going to happen.

The first things to go were the optional tasks – going to get some pictures framed, looking for new sandals.

By the time I realised things were far downhill, I already knew I was heading towards a (non) schedule where I would eat junk food, read for two hours, miss my exercise class, not walk the dogs and feed them very late.

Rather than try to get everything back in place, stress myself out, and fail at getting anything I want done, I chose damage control and compromise. I still ate junk food, but at somewhere closer to home. I decided to walk the dogs later – but still walk them. They’d still get fed pretty late, but at least they’d get fed and walked – which they and I would prefer.

The exercise class just didn’t happen. But you can’t win them all and I was at least able to call the instructor to say not to expect me.

This is one of those glass half full situations. I could agonise about that I screwed up my diet, didn’t get my scheduled tasks done, missed my exercise class. I could be stressed that I’m falling into depression and failing again.

Or, I could congratulate myself for still getting the dogs walked and working hard to ensure the situation didn’t degenerate further. And trust me, it took a lot of hard work and a lot of focus and a lot of effort to hold even the partial schedule together.

I refused to be stressed out. My current way of thinking is – ah well, tomorrow is another day. What didn’t get done will get done when it gets done. I’ll be back on my diet again, and I can join the exercise class next week. And I know that things take a little longer when you are bipolar, so why stress about any of this.

I’ll celebrate the victories that I have. I eventually ended up on my porch last night watching the full moon rising. Gorgeous. Life is good.

Recovered from Clubbing, finally.

You might notice the little discrepancy in dates. Here’s the reason.

Went clubbing on the night of the 2 July.
Was manic on the 3 July.
Got somewhat depressed on the 4 July.
Fought to not get too depressed on the 5 July – mixed results.
Eventually restabilised today the 6 July.

The blog isn’t the only thing that suffered – pretty much everything I was planning to do was. I’m still trying to reestabilish the finer points of my schedule. And all from one night of clubbing.

I occasionally get called a spoilsport or antisocial for refusing to go to parties or to go out late at night. That’s because while everybody else would recover in one day, it can take me four days.

What other people expect of me is not fair on me. They don’t pay the price, I do.

Did I mention I don’t like the holiday seasons. Same as the clubbing above, except the recovery time is measured in weeks.

The Price of Clubbing

After the post yesterday, I visited a friend, and with one thing another, we went clubbing. Got home a 2 am. Yes it was great. And yes, it was not the most sensible idea.

At first I felt a little nervous being among the crowd, having been slightly reclusive for the last six or seven months. But then it was ok. Had a good time.

Today though, I was wondering why I didn’t get any office work done, and then I couldn’t  decide what order I wanted to do my chores after work.

And then about 4 pm it hit me. I was manic. Slap on the forehead here. Of course. I only slept for 4 hours last night.

What next to do? I need to get my schedule back in order post haste before this mania derails my moods and I destabilise completely.

So I kept the two main pieces of my afternoon schedule – my walk with my dogs, and then my blog here. Didn’t bother to do anything else. And even though I’ve been invited out for dinner, I’m planning to leave early to go to sleep at my regular time so I can get up at my regular time.

Today’s schedule and activities are mucked up. Time to close the door on today and restart keeping stable tomorrow. It’s okay to do this. I just have to make sure I don’t make my moods worse before I go to sleep tonight.

Will remain slightly nervous for the next two days until I’m sure I’m back to stable.

The night out sure was fun. But I have to be careful of the price to pay for it. Or to plan in advance so I won’t destabilise. Spur of the moment decisions are so not the way to go.

My Desk is Getting Clearer

I’ve now been stable for nearly three weeks (since about the 15 Jun) – which for me is an exceedingly long time.

Stable that is. Not managing mania or mood swings. I’m not sure why, but I suspect that I have finally been able to coordinate all the tricks I’ve learned over the years so that they all work at once. I’ll be writing up these tricks soon on the main website.

Also, I haven’t done anything stupid yet to destabilise me. Keeping the short leash short.

Productivity is soaring. I know this because I have had time to sort and organise the spice rack in the kitchen. And my desk in office is slowly getting clearer.

Bipolar People…

Bipolar people get it up higher. And we do it deeper.

…

What? You wanted insightful thoughts all the time?

Dentists and Depression

Had to go to the dentist today. Toothache and swollen lymph glands in my jaw.

Going to the dentist is a fairly frequent occurrence. Whenever I’m depressed I don’t take care of my teeth. No flossing, a cursory 30 second brushing, and if things get really bad, I don’t brush my teeth. For a day or two. Or three. So of course my teeth and gums suffer.

So almost inevitably, about two weeks after I come out of each depression episode I have to make a trip to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned, get a checkup, and fix whatever damage I managed to do to my teeth while depressed. This time I lucked out – the gum wasn’t seriously infected.

In addition to the visits like those above, thanks to the fact that my jaws are permanently tense whenever I am manic,  I have a strong bite. A really strong bite, the kind that tends to crack fillings and occasionally chip teeth. So I have to get those fixed frequently too.

My dentist sure loves me.

I’m on a Short Leash

After dutifully and carefully keeping to my schedule for the last two weeks – and being stable without meds – I went out for a drink last night. I met some friends I hadn’t seen in months and I enjoyed myself tremendously since I had pretty much been a recluse for a while.

I had only two drinks over a 2 hour period, and I left everybody at the bar to be home by 12:15 am.

So I was careful and everything went fine. Well…no. I didn’t get enough sleep and I woke up feeling very out of sorts this morning. And a bit late. And somewhat hungover, though I can’t figure out how I could be hungover on two drinks.

Both getting up late and feeling hungover disrupted my schedule, and I started destabilising. Incredible. It really didn’t take much.

I was able to reset my schedule by this afternoon, but still. Even small changes make a big difference – which means that I don’t have much leeway in varying my schedule at all. A darned short leash I’m on.

I’m not thrilled that I have to choose between socialising with some of my friends and being stable. I’d much rather be stable, but I begining to get worried that I’ll turn into one of those single old men with 15 dogs in their yard and car.